Let’s have a conversation about sex. I haven’t felt comfortable to speak on it before because I’ve been holding shame around it, but I am releasing that shame as it does not serve me or anybody else.
Unlearn the idea that sex = penetration. Sex is much more than that. This idea of sex is one we have been taught by a society that hates women, that represses women due to a fear of her recognising her power, which sees women as weak & inferior. This idea of sex = sex is something men to do women, according to his desire, which she is a recipient of, and which ends when he climaxes. Why, the fuck, should it be normal that sex between two equal beings ends when HE cums, regardless of whether or not she has, despite the fact that she can cum again and again and again?? It makes me feel so sick and so sad that I still find myself battling with guilt about the fact that my favourite part of sex is foreplay, that I do not want to have intercourse until I’ve cum first.. At least once. I feel too guilty to say that «I don’t want to have sex and not cum», because I have been taught that you are not allowed to ask for what you want as a woman, that it is somehow unfair to the man, despite the fact that HE will always cum regardless. Why is his guaranteed but mine up for dispute? Why is he even okay with us having sex and me NOT coming??? He would (in most cases) certainly not be okay with it if it was the other way around, and neither would I to be frank.. But why not? I prefer foreplay to penetration, sometimes I don’t want to have «sex» but I get to a certain point and I feel powerless to express that, because I feel so guilty for taking him to this point with no release…. Despite the fact that this has happened to me many many many times before, without an apology or batting of an eyelid from the partner. In all honesty, I also feel fear. I feel fear about how he will respond to me saying I don’t want to «go any further», because I am in such a vulnerable situation, just the perceived risk alone has made me avoid saying it. So I opt for the illusion of control, I say fuck it I’ll just do it and get it over with, and I convince myself that’s a choice.
Because I’d rather believe I made a choice, even if it was not the choice I wanted to make, than risk not being given a choice… Do you catch my drift? This fear is real and it is deeply ingrained, for me anyway, and this is why consent can feel like such a complex issue. But this is why consent is so important. Consent being a discussion, an honest and open discussion that gives both partners a space to voice what they want and what they don’t want. We aren’t taught to communicate this openly though, so this is something we have to learn to prioritise and understand the value of. If we want any relationship and any relations of value we must have communication. Maybe if you can’t have a conversation about sex with the person you are having sex with, perhaps you shouldn’t be having sex with them. It sounds simple, and it is, but it’s not easy. Women have been taught that our value rests on our sexual attractiveness to men, so if we feel like communication or honesty could trigger a mans ego into defensiveness, we risk losing our worth. Since men are taught that women are objects that exist for their pleasure, triggering a mans ego can also be a risk to our safety. Painful reality. It is a dangerous game that we must do what we can to free ourselves from, and love ourselves through.
Men: If you have sex with the sole intention of making yourself cum, you’re unlikely to accept this, but you are having shit sex. When your intention is to make her cum, trust me, you’re winning in life. Most men realistically, sorry to say, won’t have ever experienced sex with a woman who is truly comfortable, feels worshipped & does not feel used. Because, patriarchy. When a woman is actually comfortable enough to enjoy herself (which from my experience is tough due to the many insecurities tied up in the vulnerability of sex), you will have the best time. Her enjoyment is the greatest reward you can imagine. When you have truly experienced female pleasure you will get why mainstream porn is so disgusting, because it is a sick & twisted representation of sex, that corrupts the minds of so many young men and women. For many it is their only source of sexual education because this society doesn’t teach open communication, and it truly breaks my heart to think about. This is not a judgement of pornstars, what I’m saying has nothing to do with them personally, my problem is with the ideas, imaging and the programming it contributes to.
~ Cleo Forstater